In search of the Real ME

From birth, we are told what to do or rather what not to do. Our actions were always under the radar and we were under constant scrutiny. We were expected to obey blindly, without asking any questions. We were to do what we were told to do, not try and evaluate the rationale behind such an order. And then suddenly we are being asked to get in touch with our "real self". "Self-realisation" is the key to happiness, we are told. Now, where is this self? 

As infants, we emulated and followed our parents. Then we obeyed and followed our teachers. Later spouse and in-laws. Finally, kids and grandkids. If at any time we asserted ourself, we were branded a difficult child, a rebel teenager, an arrogant employee, or a selfish person depending on the position in life.

We studied hard because our parents told us to. We became an engineer because our teachers said we had the potential. We went abroad because our friends said it was the best thing to do. We accepted a lucrative offer from an MNC because our placement coordinator said it was the best deal. We burnt the midnight oil because our boss said it was good for the career. We retired because everyone said it was time to relax and enjoy. But, we don't feel fulfilled and that is making us unhappy. Apparently, "self-realisation" would help us find our happiness. Hmm, where is this "self", what is it, and how do we find it? How could we have retained the "self" while giving in to all these demands? We are so used to this constant monitoring and guidance, that we really don't know what we want. And now all the self-help gurus are advising us to get in touch with the "real me". What is the "real me"? We are the amalgamation of our parents, our teachers, our spouse and god knows who else. Where is the "real me"? 

We are told to be a witness and that it would help with realisation. But then it is even more confusing, the world is behaving in a totally different way than what we were taught. We were taught to keep our voice down, but everyone is yelling to be heard over all the noise. We were taught to be polite and courteous, but only people polite and courteous are the ones in need. We were taught to be mindful, but the only thing everyone seems to be mindful about is their smartphones. So, is the loud, obnoxious, self-absorbed the real self?    

Then we are told we are our true self when we are alone. Look around. We are on our best behaviour when we have an audience. When the cops are around, we follow traffic rules, wear helmets/seat belts, and don't jump lanes. We are diligent walkers with a friend else we relax on a park bench during our morning walks and pretend to be tying shoelaces if someone passes by. When the family is around, we stick to the diet plan the doctor laid out for us, or else we binge on the extra dessert. So what does this mean? Is the rule-breaking, indisciplined, indulgent our real self? 

End result, we are more confused than ever and totally lost in an attempt to find the elusive "real me"?

My Tryst with Yoga

On this International Yoga Day, 21st June 2022, let me trace my yoga journey.

I was first introduced to yoga by Zarna Aunty, I should say ma'am but she was a family friend who used to conduct yoga classes out of her apartment in Hyderabad. I was studying degree then and was getting bored during one summer vacation and started attending her classes. It was fun, we used chairs,  balcony railing, our dupattas and many such household items as props and used to do quite a few stretching asanas. Then studies, career, and marriage took precedence. On and off, I would do some asanas, as best as I could remember.

While in the US, I tried various fitness fads - gym, aerobics, etc but never found my groove. This was the late-90s and yoga was not the in-thing, yet. So finding yoga studios were a bit rare and expensive. I did find some books and tried to revive my yoga skills, what little I possessed. But it didn't sustain. I settled for long walks and a self-devised exercise routine. 

Once we returned to India, and I quit my active career, I started hunting for yoga places. Tried many - Hatha, Ashtanga, Vinyasa, and even hot yoga. But either the timings or the instructor didn't work. Then I discovered Art of Living and got hooked onto Pranayama. I was quite happy doing their Sudarshana Kriya and a few rounds of Surya Namaskars on a daily basis. That sustained for a long time. Then the running bug bit me, and that was another story, as you are all aware (see here if interested).

Once the running euphoria died out, I was back to yoga. The thing with yoga is that it is holistic. 

Your entire body and life change with yoga. You realise what your body is capable of and it is really enlightenment, a eureka moment if you please. While we do asanas the focus is not only on the posture but also on the breathing. this gives clarity of thought which sustains throughout the day. The flexibility is not limited to the body but extends to the mind also. I have noticed I am much calmer and more forgiving and compromising on the days I practice yoga. 

I got back into regular Yoga sessions conducted in our colony. But lockdown put an end to it. I played around with some apps, but without posture correction, it was proving futile. Then I discover Energizer Yoga at Somajiguda. Their online and offline offerings, along with multiple batch timings give flexibility to the students which is a big plus. The instructors are very capable and efficient. It's not an easy task to teach yoga online and be able to give attention to each student individually but these instructors have achieved it successfully. I don't feel like I am missing anything when attending online classes,  same attention to detail. I see my flexibility limits being stretched, so also the endurance levels. I could even complete 108 Surya Namaskars under their able guidance. I love their Aerial Yoga sessions, too.

I would suggest everyone make yoga part of their lifestyle, you won't regret it. Of course, if you are looking for instant results like drastic weight loss or some such thing, then yoga is not for you. Yoga needs a lot of patience and you will see a gradual and subtle change in your life which is evident first to people around you before yourself. 

My Father-in-law

 This was written on the night of 2nd February 2022

I can't believe that the deep baritone "Amma Manjula" will no longer be summoning me. The imposing figure that guided the family is no more. Today, as I sit vigil at his death bed, I am going down memory lane.

My father in law, PPS Hariprasad, has been the guiding force for many. My relationship with him was one of mutual respect and understanding. He treated me like a daughter. On the second or third day after marriage, he was going to the airport early one morning to drop off his second son and wife. I was asked to accompany. Apparently, that was an honour rarely bestowed, especially on a "new acquaintance", the family was stunned. I remember the first time he visited us. We were newly married and living in Pune. I don't remember the details but there he was at our doorstep. I was new to cooking, hosting etc. and had prepared a modest meal. My husband in his usual style tried to prepare me by portraying the worst-case scenario. To his utter surprise and bewilderment, my father in law was totally bowled over by my cooking and courtesy. These two incidents first year into my marriage set the course for the future. We had our differences but then nothing unsurmountable. There have been occasions when my mother in law and my husband took advantage of my relationship with him to get a few things sorted.

He always drove me around whenever we came to Hyderabad for our annual vacations, later when we shifted to Hyderabad I was always invited to his lectures and felicitations. Then I became his technical advisor and towards the end his confidante. He, at one time, rued that I was too much under my husband's (his son's) influence and that it was affecting my style/independence.

I always admire and envy his zeal and ability to learn new things without any regard to his age - be it usage of computers, sundial installation, Vedic nuances and much more. Till the end, he was busy with some activity in the other.

I can't believe he won't be regaling us with anecdotes from his experiences and guiding us. The past few months had been tough. Seeing such an active and intellectual person go through the throes of dementia is brutal. He tried fighting for a while and then towards the last month, it felt like he just gave up. He kept telling us that its the worst suffering and that he might have done some heinous sin to deserve such an end.

I sincerely wish he found some peace now. For the family, it will take some time to get over his absence. We will miss him forever and ever.